The Piano Teacher

Earlier this week, I called up Hem, who identifies himself as a creative film maker/ recordist (!!) After discussing my recording requirements, which are mostly classical music based stuff, I was generally talking to him about a few other things.

Hem is a south Indian, and lives near my parents’ home in Delhi, a place called Kalkaji. He is trying to set up a studio of his own, which I think finally he has found a place for. When I was here in December from Goa, he and another person, who we will call as R, came to meet me. R has been known to me for the last nearly two decades or possibly a little less than that. I have known him to be a musician of a small order, who has not learnt music thoroughly from anyone, yet by learning to play by himself and by dabbling with his keyboards.

He has often come to me for learning music, but more with the intention of ‘getting things out’ rather than really learning classical music. Surprisingly enough we have never clicked as a teacher-student. He always came, once in a couple of years, bowed at my feet (whcih I always resisted and told me not to) and talked about musical ideas and compositions. He never had it in him to learn music with anyone- he was always in a hurry to ‘encash’ things- quickly learn a raga and show if off to others. Even when I invited him to play with me, as I sang, I did not find him competent enough to, because he would be too restless to hear and start playing as I would start singing.

There are many I know like him- who keep playing tunes on the keyboards and then they figure out full melodies and they become musicians. Nothing wrong with that. They are doing things which they wanted to, by dint of sheer persistence.


So willy nilly, moving in our conversation, Hem informed me that R is ‘out of the market’. I heard him and did not pay heed. He repeated it for me again. I thought ‘what a strange thing to say’. So I asked him what he meant. He repeated himself and said that R was in jail, for the next ten years at that. Oh! I thought, now what was that about.

And then it struck me that I had read about it in the Hindu paper, that  a piano teacher being caught abusing his student in Kalkaji. I asked Hem if he was talking of that incident. At that moment when I read about it, I thought of R- what a coincidence. I of course was not thinking of him as an abuser, but I just thought that he was the only piano teacher that I knew of in Kalkaji. But then I consoled myself thinking that hopefully there would be others, and it is not him. Now what Hem was telling me confirmed that indeed it was R!

It is sad. The world of Hindustani music is rife with teacher-student abuse, which has stifled many a career and many a relationship. ( There have been instances when teachers have married their students, but that is not an instance of abuse) But a man in his forties abusing or exploiting a child. I do not know how quickly the prosecution worked but they gave him ten years in jail. I thought for a moment, what would happen to him after those ten years and what about his family?

And then what about the child who suffered? What would be the consequences of this on her? And what if there would be more children, who could not raise their voices against him? Would there be someone to support her traumatic experience? I am sure it would have taken a lot for her to express her suffering.

The sad thing is that when people known to you do anything, your faith in humanity is shaken for a moemnt and then the whole anger which each of us has against the systemic abuse- finds a target. I feel no sympathy for R. In fact, I feel more for his wife and family. What a suffering they would have to go through socially. Like we always say, letting go of every abuser only emboldens them further- it is about time some were punished. Even if those some be people of our own associations and families. It is about time.

Here is a related post about the same incident, on another blog.



The power play in university departments

I ought to have written this blog post longer ago, but spinal pain did not permit me to sit at the computer, to last as long as a blog post (naturally the priority is always the emails first of all)

I want to share my dismay at the sheer play of power that I got wind of from a recent dialogue with a graduate student pursuing a masters’ course in psychology in a prominent university in India. As part of the course they are also being offered a six-monthly exposure to counseling (I pray to god, they don’t become counselors after that- it would be a great disaster). As part of that course, they are also invited to undergo their own analysis for the briefest possible span of time. I asked the student how much the time was and who was doing the ‘analysis’.


I was told that one of their professors, (who is known to me as an academic and not a therapist) listens to their dreams and interprets them. So what follows is the memory of my dialogue with the young scholar, that left me troubled and anguished for many days afterwards, but I will share the reasons of that after the dialogue that I quote. I represent me as M and the student as S.

M: So your teacher went through a dream analysis session with you? And what was the outcome of that?

S: The outcome was nothing specific, he gave me an explanation based on symbols, which he said were universal symbols, and which were part of his repertoire.

M: By talking to him, did some clarity emerge in the picture or put is differently, did you benefit from his dream analysis?

S: Yes mam, I gained some clarity in some respects about the dream?

M: What does that mean? Did it leave some unexplained things as well?

S: Actually it opened up some unexpected parts, which were left unattended to.

M: Really?! But there was no further dialogue with the teacher on them?

I was angered, because an academic who is not an analyst is not supposed to interpret dreams out of context for a student. Just because they have the power to demand from students a certain accountability does not mean they can pry open the lives of their students.

Unfortunately, Indian students are very vulnerable and docile by temperament, more so women. They would never think of raising their voice against this sort of an intrusion, which has no accountability. How can a university professor demand that his students tell him their dreams in a sporadic manner and then leave the dreams with whatever interpretation he knows best? There is nothing universal in dreams, except for the imagery. A dream has to make sense and have relevance for the person who sees the dream.

I remember in years of my own analysis with my therapist, we barely discussed dreams on more than two three occasions. It was never the centrality of our dialogues- if I had a dream that I wanted to talk about we did. There was never a nudge from her to share dreams. But whenever I did, the explanations that emerged were very deep and meaningful. I always felt it had been worthwhile to talk it out with her.

But look at this blatant misuse of a teacher’s power in the classroom. Of course he did not publicly hear the student out, but nevertheless when he was not an analyst, did not know what all it takes to unearth the symbolism inherent in a dream, by simply interpreting it in some universal way, he just showed for once again the patriarchal nature of our education system…where the souls of students can be cut open without due regard to their humanity and suffering, without a qualm or a guilt as to what pandora’s box you are opening up for them. SHAME ON HIGHER EDUCATION in India. Will we ever become sensitive towards our fellow human beings?

Accepting violence, as part of ‘love’

Dear H

I have been thinking on the subject of routine violence of women’s lives and how they condone, accept or even justify it. A few days ago, Haseena, the young woman, mother of three, who works as my home assistant (I prefer this term, instead of ‘domestic help’, because I feel she assists me in my home in diverse ways, and is a part of my home, just like a member of the household) came with face that was not exactly chirpy and bright the way she does every morning. I asked her if everything was fine. She responded that her husband had hit her, because she had screamed at him, due to his parents’ calls to him, which she objected to. His father is disabled and possibly bedridden. Naturally his parents require money, even though the mother herself earns from domestic work in the homes of others.

However, when the son could not send money immediately, as his wife (Haseena) was out of work for several months before starting work with me, they grew frantic. On the other hand Haseena was also upset that they could not hold on patiently, because though she had started in her new employment she could only get money at the end of the month- not in the middle of it. So she ‘screamed’ at them! She needn’t have- but this is the circle of poverty and this is the circle of dependence, which makes and keeps people insecure.

So I asked her again, what was the response of her two young girls to the fact that her husband had hit her. She said that the children were very troubled and became anxious, fearless and tearful. What can one expect?

Yesterday those two children came to me, for I invited them to come meet me. I wanted to see her children and in general I am always concerned about children who are first generation learners, for I wish to be in their little journeys and assist them, if I can, in understanding life in different ways. I know, coming as I did from a family of college teachers, how differently we grew up- these children would never know a house full of books and parents studying. For them their father works in a scrapyard and mother works in someone home.

When I saw them and interacted with them, I saw they were no different from any children. The two girls were actually quite beautiful- and the older one expressed her desire to write stories and the younger one said she wants to be a doctor, though she is also fond of drawing. I thought it would be good if they met me with some regularity and tell me about their lives and I tell them about other things. I invited them to bring their friends as well, so that the group can have a maximum of ten children- girls and boys or only girls. And they can always bring one adult with them, since they have to walk a long way to reach my home. So i hope to add some little things in the lives of these little children in my vicinity, which opens up alternative ideas in their minds and not just the violent realities of their lives, homes and discrimination of daily living, being Muslims. It remains to be seen whether they would take up the option or how seriously.

Perhaps for Haseena, her husband slapping her in the presence of her children was not a big act, for she condoned it saying, “It is okay if he hits me, because he has a right to, but I do not think he can see how wrong his parents have been to him always.” To her mind a man hitting his wife is a right that he has earned by virtue of being husband, to my mind it is a violence perpetrated not only on her, but on the three children, who were unconsciously taught the rules of patriarchy- a man can hit a woman- both the girls saw it, the boy saw it too…and this way the circles will continue. Unless we bring these little children into new worlds of ideas where hitting anyone is not the done thing, no body in a position of power will exercise their powers in ways that can demean another human being. But we have to begin early.

So you would say, why in the world am I telling you this? Just imagine how far you are from these people in every possible way, living a world apart in the heart of developed Europe, whether women have fought and earned their rights in significant ways and routine violence is just not acceptable any longer, it is NOT the done thing, just because you are a man or anyone in a position of power. What about the fact that your university education and the fact that you hail from South Asia- how far you are from this world, where hitting a woman, because she loves you, is the done thing among men.

So what happens when a man who is a part of your life, by your choice, chooses to behave with you, the manner Haseena’s husband did? In what way is your response different from Haseena’s condoning of her husband? She has accepted the fact that being a woman she is liable to get hit- are you also? And why is that? Just because you loved someone? So what is the purpose of so much education, if it could not instill a sense of self worth? What is the value of your independent spirit, if you could choose to live alone, in a house of your own, yet be exposed to routine verbal or physical violence and take it with an attitude of submission?

The reality of education is that no matter what women are studying in universities about gender, violence, equality or any ideas- the homes that they go back to, beat them back into submission, clip their wings, abort their dreams and bring them back into the same cycle of daily abuse, which has been heaped upon women from times immemorial, because women who challenge patriarchy are best outside of their own homes. Parents and in-laws only want submissive, silent women, who will take anything because they have to carry the responsibility of their family pride, honor and social respect.

On the other hand when women who are educated, do not have the support, mentoring and guidance of other women who are independent, strong and clear thinking, they lose their ways in the labyrinth of emotional submission because they think that no matter what they study in their universities and classrooms, they cannot deal with the same ideas in their day-to-day lives. They have to accept day-to-day patriarchy, because otherwise they will be alone, single and unloved. The reality is that in seeking love from those men who have a power-oriented conception of relationships, women also enter into negotiating around power. That struggle enters into diverse domains- of money, sexuality, behaviours, interactions, social displays and so forth.

Relationships based on power

If you remember, Hobbes (the philosopher) had said that the essential nature of man is nasty and brutish. I do not remember what he said further, but one of the goals of education could easily be to overcome this nastiness as an endowment of birth, by appropriate socialization, in which people overcome their habitual bad manners, spiritual ugliness and shortcomings by comprehending the benefits of mutual respect, altruism and the benefits of collaboration, over dominance, submission, cruelty and misbehaviour.  In any relationship which is based on power, there will be an interplay of power, at least in the mind of one partner, the other may be completely ignorant. The one who has money may think that they hold the key to the relationship. Usually this struggle is such that all resources are vested in the hands of men, more so in marriages.

However, in your case, this is not the situation. You are not dependent on any man to pay for your bills, your home is in your name, you live in Europe far removed from the values of what women in South Asia face on a daily basis. Then why cling on to ideas of this part of the world, my girl? Your parents had enough money to take you from here and offer you the scope for this life, where you could make choices of your own and be responsible for them. I do feel that a mentoring that was required could not be offered to you, but that does not mean that the very values they wanted to shield you from your life, should dominate your mind, no matter what milieu you live in, on the outside.

Diaspora is more entrenched in old values than people within their home countries

I felt this for a long time actually- that Indians who lived in the West were less liberal and more feudal, navel gazing and parochial than Indians living in India. Their only real connection with India is very watered down, and largely defined by ideas that they have imbibed from cinema, and the cultural icons exported out of here. They do not live the dynamic life that Indians live in India, a hotbed of ideas, struggles, debates and whatnot. Diaspora lives a cocoon – neither a part of the progressive ideas of the subcontinent nor progressive ideas of the West, as though all currents of progressiveness just pass them by!

They are quite consumeristic, fond of razzle-dazzle and empty in their minds. I am especially referring to those who are born in the West. The ones who have gone from here in search for higher education, especially in the social/human sciences are doing some very wonderful work and contributing to scholarship. The ones who have gone in search of jobs are seeking escapes out of the poverty and socio-economic backwardness of our society. Anyways, this is not meant to be a critique of them, (for they merit a longer post or article) but a reminder that when they left South Asia it was decades ago. Their ideas stopped growing organically, because they had no exposure to the ideas that were developing in this society. They were on a foreign soil and they had to protect their ideas, values, culture and tradition in a foreign land- often they took the most rigid, dead ideas of the past and continued them in the name of tradition; the sort of ideas we would never accept in our own lives here.

I see you there!

And this is the underlying reason for this post- to remind you to not cut yourself from the reality of your life, but embrace it more fully. Women’s liberation or feminism is not about antagonism towards men, only the militant versions may be. The truth about women’s liberation is that it has to be a liberation from the day-to-day oppression in the lives of women, and even men need to be liberated from that oppression, which they are also victims of. Women liberation is a struggle for dignity of every person on the planet and not just women- for women are the wiser of the species (a fact proven by the animal kingdom too), and they have no need to dominate, murder, kill and maim people- they just need to be more empowered to recognize their strength, their wisdom and their abilities.

Unless women do it themselves and stronger women, mentor weaker women, old women nurture younger women into more empowering roles and positions, women will continue to get tortured in every private space- in homes, offices, relationships and you name it. Women will continue believing that it is okay to be hit in their homes and it is okay to be violated in their jobs, because they are women and this is the price they have to pay for womanhood. They just need to be reminded that women need to connect with their masculine sides, their inner man, and not be with an outer man who needs to subdue her to prove his masculinity.

This is my hope too, in writing this note to you- that you do not need a man whose need it is to abuse you or any woman in any way. You do not need a man who clings on to you because he sees you as a symbol of power, yet wants to crumble your spirit by regularly violating it with words, abuse your family, doubt your character or your friends, demand money from you and wants to escape the drudgery of his wretched existence back home, by escaping to Europe, yet not learn the liberal values of the West, that you have grown up internalizing.

I may need to write another post on how sexuality needs to be seen by the modern woman, but I will reserve that for a later date.

Your’s in concern


A Collaborative Dialogue Directed at Someone Suffering

Hesitant as I am to buy or sell the idea of anyone being ‘mentally ill’, for the sake of those who believe that they are, I will go with that classification for the present blogpost. This post talks about the stories of two young men who worked in the medical profession and who got the labels themselves.

My mother just told me this story- and the boy was also once upon a time known to my sister. The boy was among the toppers at the stage of entrance into medical college and he went to one such which would rank among the top five institutions in India. When he became a doctor, he was immediately (perhaps, or this is our guess) assigned to some section where he had a lot of encounters with the ‘dead’ (bodies? post mortems? Forensic? or something else like that? we do not know)

It seems the boy just could not handle it and the next thing heard about him was that the family would keep him confined and possibly tied up! But the sad thing is he was finally dead by the time he reached his 30’s! We do not know the story for how it progressed, we just knew of the boy entering medical college when he had – for he was the talk of the town then. Could not imagine he would come to such an end.

That brings me to a mail, I just received from another friend, (about another medico) saying -‘Hi! There’s this guy, who had arguments with his parents about his exams and career few years back. His parents took him to a psychiatrist who labeled him with schizophrenia. The psychiatrist was telling him that he has OCD too as he was not willing to accept his diagnosis. He doesn’t get any hallucination or delusions…He says now he is being covertly drugged. I asked how and what he is feeling now and asked for the side effects and when he’s getting them. And I think he IS being drugged. Further he says his parents are demoralizing, humiliating and inciting him by showing his case paper to all the relatives. He has completed his graduation and wants to do PG now. Though his parents are ready to help him financially he feels scared to take any help. He doesn’t know what to do about the situation. Both his parents are doctors.’

Here is what I am seeing in the story (the marks in red above indicate the flaws, which are the red herrings in the picture to me), if I just deconstruct the power axis here:

The parents are in a position of power over their son and these are the ways in which they are exercising control-

  1. In response to arguments (which are a sign of any child rebelling or asserting his/her rights-autonomy or selfhood) take youth/child to psychiatrist.
  2. Youth/child is not allowed to choose career as they do not permit the choice for they know ‘better’, have seen more of life, know what is best for the child, can take better informed decisions for him.
  3. Psychiatrist hands over schizophrenia diagnosis because boy is clearly showing anger, rebellion, and even rejecting the further labelling of OCD. this is even more problematic in their collective eyes, because people want that those who are being given the label should accept them (called diagnosis) meekly and silently.
  4. Parents decide to avenge this ‘misbehaviour’– and now attempt to socially isolate him, by public display of his ‘pathology’.
  5. They further want to help him financially, for continuing his education.

The mental state of the person in question here, may be like this:

  1. Initially anger
  2. Wronged- because he has been unfairly given a ‘diagnosis’
  3. Cheated by being covertly drugged; unfortunately by parents, against whom the defense mechanism is weakest.
  4. When parents let you down, who can you further trust?
  5. Where can he turn now, and more so, what options exist for him?
  6. If parents are trying to bail him out financially, how much more control will they exercise over him? For what can he trust them?
  7. If this is the way life will go further, what is the nature of happiness in his life, or will there be any? Will he be able to determine the course of his life or will it be the parents all the time making decisions for him?

(All the above ideas are in the nature of conjectures, because I have not directly spoken to the person. I am just writing this out so that more people who may chance upon this writing may read and take some inspiration, if they can)

The real question of mental illness here is a question of developing a voice or autonomy. Autonomy is supposed to develop during teenage, as per psychological parameters. At that stage because it is also accompanied by hormonal maturation, it becomes a cluster of experiences- some of them showing assertiveness which is construed as rebellion by families. In a culture where submissiveness or unquestioning obedience is valued, any sign of rejection, questioning or self-expression becomes a threat to the ‘system’ around every individual. People who are showing these expressions are taken as rebels and they are then given appropriate ‘correction’ mechanisms to make them fall in line. Unfortunately, this is what happens in a vast majority of cases.

Somewhere along the way, such people also part ways with their friends and peers because they are too anguished to share what is happening in their personal lives, with their ‘friends’ for they think whatever is happening, is happening to them ALONE- they become prisoners of their mind, their souls and their imagination. Reality is that we are all on a continuum of human experience and suffering and a lot of people are suffering due to overt or covert family violence of this sort, where children are unequally pitted against their parents for they are weaker in position in multiple ways- financially, socially, initially physically, and more. Often parents also operate as ONE unit/voice- no difference between the parent as mother and father.

My further recommendations, in a very remote manner would be somewhat on these lines.keep the glow intact

  1. You need to develop your own inner and outer resources– which starts from financially to social mechanisms of support.
  2. Remember, the more you rebel in this scenario, the more you will be penalized and you are already outnumbered, out-powered and out-witted for the’system’ can overpower you very easily- DO NOT try to challenge the system. The ‘system’ refers to family, psychiatry, relatives, neighbours etc in this case. It may also be your educational institution tomorrow, which is another kind of system. Each of these is a system in its own sense, for it has its own principles, guidelines and methods, and together this process is a complex systems thinking.
  3. When parents are not your support systems it often becomes difficult to trust outsiders. But there are many resources out there in the world and support mechanisms– though those who have mental illnesses themselves cannot be your support systems right now, for how much can you support another one , if need be? Be wise and be safe. Do not become part of peer support groups, because that would be only more aggravating and you will see your own story played out in different variations across the spectrum and it will fluster you further.
  4. If you can make slow progress one day at a time, by even continuing your education, by slowly gaining control over one aspect of your life at a time, it will slowly fortify you and give you the ego-strength to overcome the system. Instead if you try to challenge the system by taking it head-on, it will punish you seriously. Do not do that.
  5. Come to a clearing, where you can totally wrest free of your parents and your diagnosis, by reclaiming your life as your own. This cannot happen till you are dependent on them in any way. For that you need to develop your mind, and your body adequately and you will be able to get up and walk away from everything that holds you back today.
  6. Remember a day a time and not a life in a day.
  7. Be slow, be steady and be regular– even if you make an inch of progress in a day. Even if you wake up late, even if you have no one to talk to- you will have someone soon.
  8. Believe in yourself and your strength and build it a drop at a time, a little at a time.

I believe everyone can overcome their pathology and diagnosis if they have others who believe in them and if they also believe in themselves and hold on to their dreams. So hold on to your’s, no matter if they are the most ridiculous ones also and try to see them as clearly as possible. You have to gain the power that others hold over you, into your own hands- be the HERO of your own story.

Already, even at this stage, though this person is not directly in touch with me, there is a collaboration at work FOR HIM- for there is a friend of his, who has written to me. I have sat down and invested this effort in deconstruction/writing/counseling…we are the smallest links in the chain and a proof that there is hope and scope for everyone, because when you cry for help, someone hears it- even if distantly. SO PLEASE …ask for help, for it will come to you.

Cry out Sania (Mirza) but not like a baby, LIKE A WOMAN

Dear Sania

Just encountered you weeping in response to questions posed by Barkha Dutt and I felt she was just rubbing in things with the loud questioning, though trying to show solidarity as a woman. Let me tell you, that please do not even bother about being singled out- feel privileged. When people pick targets such as you, they are actually bringing to light a bigger social malaise out there- the double ostracism of women who marry across the border. They face rejection as ‘outsiders’ in a foreign country (how foreign can Pakistan be though, for we are the same people) and while back home they are made to look like ‘traitors’.

Remember as women we will have to represent many things, not just the trades and professions we choose or choose to excel in, as in your case. But being a sportsperson you have all the more reason to remain focused on the idea that people like you are the modern symbols opposing patriarchy, defying man-made boundaries, defying stereotypes in so many ways. You are a symbol, remember that. Most of this is targeted at who you represent symbolically – so give a befitting reply, not a baby’s crying.

Also remember that when one lives a life in the public eye, personal is political and the vice versa. Just imagine if someone had said something of the same sort to a woman who is ‘invisible’ to the public eye- a simple homemaker in Karachi or Dariba Kalan in Delhi, who would have bothered about her? So in targeting you, the ones who targeted just wanted some visibly and of course bring you out in the open and make you face situations that are all fabrications of their mind, their values and their ideas of beti and bahu. Forget it- you are a daughter of India and a daughter of Pakistan. We do not marry countries and become in-laws to a whole nation. I find the in-law word a bit of an anathema and a root of a whole lot of problems in the world.

But we are all proud of you, for you are girl of our subcontinent- a girl who breaks stereotypes about every possible dimension. So just maintain your tenacity and keep the focus, just like you focus on your balls, while in the court. Make this a turnaround situation, to speak up for women who face, what you just did. Do not cry like a baby- speak up like the woman of substance you can be. Bring your sporting spirit upfront NOW.

Love and blessings to you

from a musician who works in ‘recovering voices’- old enough to be an older sister to you 🙂

Rebels without a cause

There is so much written about rebels, in particular eulogizing them, that they may seem like heroes, which often is the case, at least in the short run. But to be a rebel without a cause, which is increasingly the case among the youth is reflective of a world in which ethics and morality are all confused now. This lack of reasons to rebel or rebelling only in defense of one’s own private interests or to constantly feel threatened by the world around and therefore offending others, are all signs of modern rebels. These are there in all categories of people, and artists more so seem to be rebelling against everything, or lending their voices to most rebellions again without seeing whether it is a philosophical issue or just a thing of gaining more popularity.Image This young man in the picture is a symbol of a generation finding meaning in rebellion, without knowing what the rebellion is against. Lacking of a philosophical basis often makes rebels into vacuous people, for they just rebel for the sake of rebellion, without having the goal of any rebellion in mind- personal or social.

If we look at the architecture of a rebel’s psyche likely the foundation of it would somewhere lie in patriarchy, I mean in opposing patriarchy– even among men. It is not as if men are the ones who are symbolic of patriarchal values in society, they are equally the sufferers too. In trying to subvert patriarchy in their own lives they become rebels, often without a cause. In the end it boils down that such rebels only reinforce a structure they set out to challenge, because they could not look beyond the surface of their own self interest. So a person who is lording over the rest in his/her family is only doing what s/he has experienced in their life- dominance, which is typically a patriarchal attribute, as opposed to collaboration, which is a feminine one.

We all rebel against something, usually in our youth or childhood- and it often begins from the family. Within the family there is a person or group that becomes symbolic of the larger environment of patriarchy that is prevalent in society and who wants to uphold the family structure/social order the way it has always been- the one/s who push tradition and structures down the throats of the younger lot, creating rebels. So the rebels ought to slowly understand that they have to find a real cause, and not just waste their lives in fighting their families or whatever oppression they have faced in their lives or its outcomes from within the family milieu.

Patriarchy was not created in a day but in centuries and it passed from one generation to the next so subtly and invisibly that nobody knew it was there. Women as much as men are carriers of patriarchy and its values of dominance, control, ownership of resources, moral coercion and authority. Rebels who truly want to be rebels need to understand that their rebellion ought not to be against patriarchal values and structures within the families alone. Most mental illnesses comes from this source, especially anger based issues or where anger has been repressed. In rebelling against one set of people at a time, and not a whole lot of them as a class- one becomes mentally distressed and offensive, which invites others to subdue them by word, logic, medicine or incarceration. The only viable alternative is to understand the roots of mental distress, connect it to patriarchy, see its role in your personal life and instead of changing things within your family, try to contribute to a larger systemic change. When we create peace for the world or justice for others, we automatically do so for ourselves also. But if we set out to create something just for ourselves, we will only either fail and be isolated or create and spend all our time defending it.

If all the people in the world have a house to live in and food to eat, we would not have to worry about leaving our kitchens locked. It is only when there is hunger in the world, we fear that we could get robbed. Kitchen is a metaphor for all that we cherish and value. Suppose everyone has a brick of gold, so who would want another’s now, unless he is really greedy? That is the gist, in the salvation of everyone lies the salvation of the rebel, not merely one’s singular salvation. The Buddha understood that long back, and decided to ignite the Buddha-hood in scores of others. But we have to do it in every age. Again and again- for we have to be rebels for the world at large, not just for ourselves. Therein lies salvation.