Recovery Oriented Blog for Mental Illness

I have recently started a new blog, because I felt that I needed to strictly focus on recovery in serious mental illness, as a theme by itself and calling it any other name would not do justice to my commitment, engagement and research. I have, in the past, tried writing on this blog about mental illness related encounters I have had. However the purpose of the new blog is slightly different.

The new blog is committed to one single theme. All my mental ‘illness’ oriented work would go on that blog as it is also my desire to share with the lay intelligent reader whatever knowledge I interact with, in the course of my phd research. Since a researcher by definition tends to be looking into a vaster expanse of information, data, analysis and study than someone who is not a researcher, for reasons of social good and making research accessible, people could routinely offer small chunks of that knowledge to the wider audience. This is my attempt in that direction.cropped-website-hope-image

However research is not an easy journey to make, for it is largely solitary and a tough act of balancing one’s financial needs, professional goals, study commitments, family responsibilities, domestic routines and you name it. I cannot say I am in any enviable position except that to reduce the monotony of my work, I have started teaching classical music to a few youngsters- it is a breath of air for me. Of course I continue learning with my own guru also- another breather!

This blog post is basically to re-direct anyone who is connected to me for the above reason, to redirect their gaze in a more appropriate corner. You can well imagine that I am likely to post little on this blog, while my focus lies in recovery. However peace is close to my heart and at the heart of all my efforts. If one can help even a single person come into their own center, attain a little peace- they will gradually create their own peace and spread it further as well. I call the new blog- recovering self, because only in re-covering ground that people lose due to setbacks which are called mental illness, do we become our WHOLE SELF again- the self that we were intended by Mother Nature to be. The recovery blog is only meant to be a little offering in wholeness, a testimony to the work I am doing as well as a knowledge sharing blog- diminishing stereotypes about mental illness, challenging convention and offering alternatives.

Hope it accomplishes the intention of its birth.

Understanding our vulnerabilities toward achieving stability

I have a question for you if that’s ok. When you mean you recovered, do you mean you understood the root of your depressions and manic states, your bipolar disorder? Was there meaning, trauma in your life that led to that? And do you not suffer from that anymore? I hope these are ok questions to ask you. (E.L.)

My present blogpost is a response to this query from someone. I think it is befitting that I should answer to an earnest question in an honest manner. I am writing this post specifically so that I can share it with others and not have to make the effort again.

In response to the first question, whether I understood the roots of my depressions/mania- Yes indeed. As well as the triggers.

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This dog knows it can get attacked by its fellow dogs, and so it chooses to sit on someone’s wall and jump inside the house, if other dogs came after him. He knew he was vulnerable and kept the distance from the rest of the mongrels. Why not learn from animals?

What our triggers are – are our vulnerabilities. If one can isolate that it is a great victory and the best way to identify that would be a therapeutic dialogue with a therapist who is kind, wise and non-leading. It is not so easy to find such a person and that is the greatest challenge really.

Dear E. suffering is a part of our human destiny- but it does not have to annihilate us completely- we can live with it peacefully, we can make sense of it on a day-to- day basis and we can find better ways to make sense of things, alternative worldviews and conceptualizations.

Let me explain with an example. I currently suffer from a lot of spinal issues- which is quite painful. But I try to not let it affect me all the time in the day. yes some part of the day it certainly pins me down and when I lie down it just comes over me like a flood. I cannot even sit on the computer for any reasonable length of time that a doctoral reseracher would be expected to. And since spine is affected- so are my arms, legs and feet! I could be a ball of pain- but then I decided I cannot let it have the better of me. I cannot NOT do anything. 

SO, I am not going to compete with another phd candidate who can possibly study eight hours a day- but I will certainly try to do my two today and possibly a little more tomorrow, if tomorrow is not the same as today. This is how we build up our mental muscle- you don’t do it in a day. You do not become another person, you just learn to live with yourself a little more peacefully, more centered, greater equipoise. 

I hope you get the picture- if not please feel free to ask further.

(For those who read my blog with any regularity, pardon me I am not able to write however much I may want to thanks to the cold and my bone issues. But hopefully with summer coming soon, the months ahead would be better. Thank you for staying connected)

 

You are NOT your label

For many months I have been wanting to write about Suneetha (name changed) who has been talking to me over the phone, ever since she read my article about recovery from mental illness in the Hindu newspaper. Suneetha told me that she had a schizophrenia diagnosis for over two decades of her life and she had been on a number of medications for that and then the comorbidities that appeared later.

One of the key things for her nowadays is SLE (lupus in some form) and then irritable bowel syndrome, which keeps her movements outside her home restricted. When I heard her story long back, I figured she had no reasons for a schizophrenia diagnosis at all. She was given some simple tablet, which could very well  have been a placebo for all the doctor cared, but he certainly gave her a label. She was in her school going years then. Many things happened, including marriage, divorce, brother’s suicide, mother’s death and so forth. Her medications increased over time but none of them had anything to do with her schizophrenia diagnosis, but sometimes memory, sometimes stomach, sometimes concentration. She feels the need to go and seek medical help for these conditions, which I feel basically happen because she is alone, alone and alone! I sometimes admire her courage to live alone and manage to spend a day by herself. It takes a lot for a single woman to survive, without much social support, a job or any significant relationships. It is very courageous indeed.

On this blog sometimes I want to note the interactions I have with this woman, who is now in her early forties, is fearful of going out of her home because she has fear that she may have to go to evacuate her bowels suddenly, as the bowel movement is not predictable, and that has made her life very limited in many ways. Many a times I just talk to her for a short while, 35-30 minutes and offer her courage and alternative ways of looking at her life, which she does not mind considering for the time we talk and even later.

I think the only thing people need is a voice to offer them courage, hope and remind them that there is a reason to be alive. She just now told me that she was very suicidal for the last two weeks, just like her brother (she said). And then she felt better by staying closely connected to her sister’s daughter. Even earlier she has expressed to me that she is happy to be with younger children. So I wondered then why not she go and work in a school, of young children, instead of wanting to work in an engineering job, just because she trained to be an engineer? Is it so difficult to choose happiness, I wondered? Perhaps she  understood and at my recommendation she has been looking around for a school job for the last few months and no longer focusing on getting a job in a company or corporate.

On a parting note she said that she just wanted to hear my voice, instead of writing an email to me, because she feels a lot calmer, once she hears me. And I thought, how much she would benefit if she could be in regular interaction with different sorts of people, who do not constantly remind her of her diagnosis but see what good she offers to them. This is the general tone of my dialogues also with her- building hope and courage. I hope to see new changes in her life, for I can see she is trying to create a new story, and go beyond her diagnosis. I feel just a little more time and things will start looking up. I have to remind her and myself that jobs are not so easy to come by these days, as there is a recession in the market, all over the world, whether we are aware of it or not.

I have hope because the channels of communication are open and many things can flow on those pathways. Recovery included.

Anxious about anxiety!

A few days ago I had a first encounter with a lady who suffers from deep seated anxiety, It had to be a brief encounter for we were just trying to ascertain if the skype connection, through which we were connecting, really worked or not. She is in Europe, a recent (two years) immigrant from South Asia, educated person, in her late forties. I also wanted to establish a face-to-face link before we could sit peacefully to communicate, at a later date.

In the course of those approx.11 minutes of my communication with her (which I never understood why they became so long, just to fix an appointment) she was so restless it was difficult to focus on anything she said. This was how the talk went typically-

First of all, instead of facing me or looking up at the camera of her hand held device, she kept on holding it at such an angle that I could only see her eyes and part of the nose and covered head, as though it was a veiled impression she wanted to convey to me. So you can imagine I was talking to someone who was seemingly talking to someone else, not me! I have conversations with people via the skype from all parts of the world and we always get a sense of looking at the other person directly, even though they may not be lookign at the lens of the camera but the computer screen. She kept on holding me, as though, ‘below her chin’. People do not understand how much their body chemistry conveys to another!

Secondly, instead of realizing whether this was a real call to communicate her distress, she simply started off, without a prelude or a warning. Even if one goes into the consulting room or home of a person, you may have to wait awhile before you are invited to communicate. In your own anxiety to say whatever you want to, you cannot be unmindful that the other may not be yet ready to hear you out. They also want to be ‘present’ for you, not just physically be there. I was unwell. I told her so. But she did not seem to care- her own distress was paramount. It is all consuming, so much so that it made her ‘berserk’ and possibly a bit selfish too!

Healing is such a complex, multivariate phenomenon and not accomplished by just rattling your story out to someone who is lending their ears. I told her that I work in a three pronged manner- whatever it was I told her. She seemed to not be listening! Can anyone really help such a person? She was in therapy with another young person and had a few (seven-eight!) CBT sessions with her. Am not sure how CBT can work with anyone apart from social anxiety or minor ideas like that. Anxiety or a generalized anxiety disorder or possibly chronic anxiety. Can people understand that the times we live in produce an anxiety in everyone in general? And to deal with it, we have to create meaning in our lives, make connections with the world around and slowly intergrate in the milieu we are in.

Moving from one part of the world to a completely different world is definitely very alarming for anyone, especially in their middle age years. So to work out through that maze one has to be able to put the finger on the right and convergent causes, and not look at the continuity of life experiences on a continuum and catastrophize every experience, because we will have to continuously adjust to life, at every stage, no matter what. Building reserves, resources is very essential.

And equally important it is to go, look for support, identify your support mechanisms and stick to them for awhile. She thought she had a good rapport with the young woman who gave her CBT. When i asked in what manner she benefited, she said it was yet to ‘get over’. Does anyone really benefit from anything if the signs of it do not start showing in the first couple of meetings itself!